Friday, June 25, 2010

Watching

Aesthetic pleasure derives from the idealization of the object of desire.
The question is whether I want to keep this distance in order not to lose my illusions.

Am I capable of being close to anybody? What part in me is watching, what part of me is idealizing?

It is like going back to the show after the half-time break. You draw a last time at your cigarette. You watch your breath form clouds in the cold winter air. You contemplate. You remember. You enter the room, the music sets in and you feel the comfortable warmth touching your skin, the pleasure of being inside, which derives from knowing the cold and stingy fresh air in the alleyway. You walk the corridor, enter the hall and see the stage. Welcome home.

Feelings can creep up on you. Without you even noticing.
I knew that ... but did she?

Journey to 2046

2010. There is still so much room for improvement. Knowing exactly what you want and even more so, what you do not want, gives you the potential to go unknown heights. ... what did I know. There is and was still so much room for more.

Craving for that feeling, wanting to be possessed by that feeling. I hated to be normal all my life. Maybe I should stop trying to be, stop trying to fit into a normal life. I could settle for an ordinary life. But maybe I always felt I was meant for something more. Something better.

The trick is not to look for love. Look for yourself. Look for your destiny. Pursue it with all means. Without compromise, without hesitation. You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny.

I dare myself to do better. Tired of all this. Mediocre, mundane, normal. Its human nature to settle for security. I hate security. I cant live like this. They all give in. Ultimately. They all take place in the long grey line of being afraid to know what would have happened. Security.

When all is perfect, when all is realized and finished. Just burn it. walk away from it. Leave it. Life is change. Fuck security.

Watch me fail. I will. Laughing.