Between worlds

I tried to make the story as bizarre and abstract as I could, without crossing the line.

The readers loved it.
It was all about this place where nothing changes. Memories were alive.
People risked everything to go there. Nobody returned.

Only me.

Sucker lover

Mental seduction. Blurring the boundaries between affection and egoism. Selfish and kind.

Walking away

Now I understand. It is in the moment that I turn away that I am truly myself.
Want to have a fight with somebody in order to provoke real emotions. Tired of emotional distance and tatemae. Love to provoke reactions.

How much of what I do is real, how much is pretending in order to provoke reactions.
I am a fraud.

Watching

Aesthetic pleasure derives from the idealization of the object of desire.
The question is whether I want to keep this distance in order not to lose my illusions.

Am I capable of being close to anybody? What part in me is watching, what part of me is idealizing?

It is like going back to the show after the half-time break. You draw a last time at your cigarette. You watch your breath form clouds in the cold winter air. You contemplate. You remember. You enter the room, the music sets in and you feel the comfortable warmth touching your skin, the pleasure of being inside, which derives from knowing the cold and stingy fresh air in the alleyway. You walk the corridor, enter the hall and see the stage. Welcome home.

Feelings can creep up on you. Without you even noticing.
I knew that ... but did she?

Journey to 2046

2010. There is still so much room for improvement. Knowing exactly what you want and even more so, what you do not want, gives you the potential to go unknown heights. ... what did I know. There is and was still so much room for more.

Craving for that feeling, wanting to be possessed by that feeling. I hated to be normal all my life. Maybe I should stop trying to be, stop trying to fit into a normal life. I could settle for an ordinary life. But maybe I always felt I was meant for something more. Something better.

The trick is not to look for love. Look for yourself. Look for your destiny. Pursue it with all means. Without compromise, without hesitation. You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny.

I dare myself to do better. Tired of all this. Mediocre, mundane, normal. Its human nature to settle for security. I hate security. I cant live like this. They all give in. Ultimately. They all take place in the long grey line of being afraid to know what would have happened. Security.

When all is perfect, when all is realized and finished. Just burn it. walk away from it. Leave it. Life is change. Fuck security.

Watch me fail. I will. Laughing.

Travel report

Love that picture. Getting addicted to the mood of 2046. The light. On my way to the airport in Munich. After a brief stop in Hong Kong I will be back on the last day of the year 2009. Listening to the love theme of "breakfast club". Used to listen to that song in the summer while taking my bycicle to Kanagawa river at the Keisei Line. At night. Citylights, the air was warm and humid. The wind at the shore of the river was refreshing my thoughts. These times. They were so intense. So pure. I miss them now, now that I got distance.

Back then I had time only for myself. Sports every day, sunlight, the park, the clouds. The city. I dont like the winter. Became more of a summer person. As always my preferences are heavily influenced by my past experiences.

Seems I can get used to "states of the mind". 2009 was a year of encounters. Predominantly with my self. 2010 will be different. A year of changes. No idleness. The journey leads inwards. Will come back to Munich in April. The next time, everything will be different. My student time will finally come to an end. For the first time in my life, I really get serious. I have to. Not a choice but so much my choice.
The change was inevitable, yet I feel I tried to postpone it as long as possible. I run out of reasons to do so. It gets boring repeating the same patterns again and again. Hate boredom. Never had it though. Can't understand people who say that they are bored.

The possibility to go to Kyoto next week. Ritsumeikan. Kyodai. Meeting an old contact of me again. Did not see him since that fateful day in October 2004. "You guys can do whatever you want, just bring him to Osaka the next day." Those words that changed my life that day. Like coming home. I felt it across the globe. No distance. I will probably enjoy strolling the streets in the winter mood. Visiting silent temples, seeing familiar places. Entering the gates of Kyodai. Years later. Life is really quite ironic. Enjoying the comfort of my resources. Going to Tokyo station, getting a ticket for the Shinkansen. Just driving wherever I want. Osaka, maybe. Contacts. The main resource being myself. As the landscape will rush past my eyes at high speed, I will reflect upon the past years in this country.

So hard to achieve a position of influence in this country. Once you arrive there, the possibilities unfold in front of your eyes. Suddenly it gets, ... well, easier. Never easy. Its like coming to familiar territory. Still a challenge, but not as hard.

Arriving in Dohar. Familiar. Without food poisoning. 10 hours of flight ahead of me to Hong Kong. Outside its dark and 20 degrees. Missing the summer.

Cant access the internet at the airport and cant pinpoint the location of my hotel in Kowloon. Love this chaos. At least the room is in Kowloon. Advertising everywhere, billborads, chaos, markets. Will enjoy a late night stroll and drink in a bar at Hong Kong bay. Get some rest, a good night sleep. Silvester flight will be 6 hours only. Dont want to be exhausted on the 31st. Going it through in my head. What to do first. The Excel project. The email addresses. Windows 7 installed, my computer finally working. Have to buy a mass email program, and then, going shopping with the winners of the lottery. Meiji, Kyoudai, Ritsumeikan. Lets see how much I can pack into next week. Then dinner at my professor's place. All the students again. Social gatherings, thats what it is about. Bought all those nice souvenirs at Munich airport. "romantic Germany" printed on Pralinés. Get serious!

Whose idea was this flight schedule anyhow. Travelling 2 days to get from A to B? Kinda exhausting. My sick mind considers it stylish to sit on the floor and typing this shit into my laptop. In plain sight the airport Moshee. Written in big letters "not for sleeping". Peeking inside, seeing about 20 Muslims sleeping on the floor, 4 others with their laptops. I love globalization. Have to smile. Next to the Mosque is the "quiet room" where I have spent 10 hours last time, trying to sleep in the midst of some Arabian families holding loud conversations. Qatar is the number one fossil gas exporting country in the world. Explains their wealth. Like Dubai only smaller.

I start to understand the Japanese who miss their food when abroad. Its hard to find that level in other countries. Looking forward to see Ryo in Kichijouji. Wanting some peace. And a bed. And some Japanese curry. Blabla. Give me a break. Wondering how it would be to watch my life from far away. I swear, if this deal is done, I get some vacation in some Club Med for one week. Beach and cocktails, no laptop. Sunshine. Need some psychological reward. Probably will get bored after 3 days. Maybe some onsen in Japan would do the trick.

Finally the guys fixed the internet at the lounge.